Children Are Gross – Warning. This is Gross.

smiley-face-sick

When you have a baby, someone is bound to comment about dirty nappies. Will you change them? Will your Other Half change them? Ew. Nappies. The grossest thing that comes with having a baby, right?

Wrong.

Don’t get me wrong, changing nappies is hardly one of my favourite past times, but when you are changing them 5-6 times a day, 7 days a week, for 2-3 years per child, you get used to it. I was lucky enough (*cough*) to have three in nappies for a brief moment and I would literally line the kids up on the ground and change them like my own little production line.

Every parent has their fair share of what we in the trade like to call, a “poo-nami”. Like a Tsunami but in a nappy. I use the term “IN a nappy” loosely because a poo-nami generally exits the nappy in an orderly fashion and spreads itself as far as it possibly can. You know you have struck one when you use an entire packet of wipes and end up wiping the baby from chin to back, wrists to ankles. And then carry them by their armpits into the bath because you just can’t clean them any more without the aid of water and soap. We’ve all been there.

But, what about all the other gross things kids do? I mean, there are LOTS. One of the biggest surprises I found from having kids, was just how gross they are.

Snot

Bogeys. Snot. Mucous. Call it what you will, it’s foul. Princess was only 5 days old when she got her first cold. Still getting to grips with having a new born, having one with a cold made things even harder for us. Trying to help her clear her poor little nose, we were horrified to discover that, while baby poop looks like baby poop, baby snot looks like adult snot. That was just the beginning for us – when an 18 month old has a runny nose, they manage to spread it from wall to wall. When all three kids have runny noses, you just declare you house a quarantine zone and don a radioactive suits. And never wear black. Trust me.

Vomit

Some kids are prone to vomiting, some aren’t. Princess is. She always has. Once, when she was about 8 months old, all three of my sisters were holding her and fussing over her and she power-chucked. All over them. I smile wistfully at the memory of three women in their 20s, covered in orange puke. Good times. I think BoyChild has only vomited once or twice, which I’m ok with. Because it’s not just the vomiting that is hard, it’s the cleanup. My favourite is the middle-of-the-night vomit, with the child in the bath while a very sleepy Mum and Dad rinse sheets, change bedding, pull vomit out of hair, find spare pillows, etc. Or, the middle-of-the-night-vomit: the parent’s bed edition.

Ok, that’s enough about vomit.

Soggy things that aren’t meant to be soggy

This is the one thing I can’t handle. The thought of something that was once rigid being soggy, just makes me dry wretch. Soggy toast *bleurgh*. Soggy biscuits *ugh*. Needless to say, I’m no fan of trifle (soggy sponge *barf*) or dunking a cookie in my coffee (the bits float *wretch*).

Imagine my HORROR, the day I walked into the bathroom to find a piece of toast in the toilet. I couldn’t deal with it, I had to get Mr T to deal with it. I can’t even type *flush it* without breaking out in cold sweats. *shudder*

Mouthfuls of food

Pretty early on with kids eating solids, you deal with regurgitated food. They spit it into your hand. You retrieve it from their mouth. You learn to deal with it pretty early on, actually. First kid, you get squeamish. Third kid, they spit up on your hand and you just get on with it.

Don’t do what someone I know did. She picked up a piece of banana off a plate and ate it. Then remembered her son had brought that exact piece of banana up just minutes before. Needless to say, she promptly spent a good amount of time with her head in the loo.

So, on that note, there are far worse things out there than wiping a poo bum. Until you realise, of course, that your children just smeared the contents of their nappy all over their cot/younger sister/couch/your handbag. Or, heaven forbid, they just ate the contents of their nappy.

But, folks, that’s a story for another day 🙂

 

 

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One thought on “Children Are Gross – Warning. This is Gross.

  1. Everything you said is everything I fear. I love my little girl and I can handle her spit up… she’s merely a two-week-old, after all. But I pray that she takes after me and fears vomit(ing). I’m a proud emetophobe. I would get that put on a t-shirt, but that would be gross. 🙂

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