Going out with three kids? Easy. Ok, I’m lying.

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Here you have another example of how having kids completely bewilders me. I am a punctual person. I do not like being late for things. Possibly because my own mother has a tendency to be late for things. I can remember waiting to be collected from High School and vowing never to be late when I had my own kids.

Ha. Little did I know how much out of my control this was!

In blogging, as with most things in life, we have the tendency to exagerate for effect. I assure you, this is no exaggeration. Here, ladies and gents, you have a real example of how long it takes to leave the house with three children in tow.

Let me set the scene for you – I need to leave the house by 11am in order to make an appointment at 11:30am. Let’s go.

9:30am I better start getting ready to go. Experience tells me this is going to be a long process, so starting early will mean less stress. (I know, I’m laughing as well). I grab a shower while BabyGirl is still asleep (thanking goodness she is sleeping in today).

9:40am I get out of the shower and get dressed. While wearing just a towel and bra, Princess calls out to tell me BoyChild has ‘helped himself’ to a drink of milk

9:54am Finish cleaning up spilt milk in the kitchen. Go and get dressed.

10:00am Go into the big kids’ room to get clothes for them. Dress BoyChild in tshirt and shorts. Begin argument with Princess because she wants to wear her RAINBOW dress with her ORANGE knickers. Suggest to her that she go into her room and select her own outfit for the day.

10:11am Change BoyChild’s tshirt and my own top because he has managed to wipe oil on both. Try to find the source of the oil.

10:13am Locate the source of the oil. Clean up. Suggest to Princess that perhaps she might like to think about please getting dressed soon.

10:20am Finish packing bag of Supplies For Trip Out – change of clothes per child, nappies for two youngest, wipes, snacks, water bottles.

10:28am Get BabyGirl out of her cot. Thank Princess through clenched teeth for “helpfuly waking the baby”. Replenish the snacks in the bag I’ve just packed, since BoyChild has just eaten half of them.

10:30am Feed BabyGirl her toast while suggesting, once more, that Princess please get dressed now.

10:38am Take BabyGirl out of her highchair and change her nappy. Go to fetch her outfit for the day.

10:40am Dress BabyGirl

10:42am Catch BabyGirl as she crawls away. Put her trousers back on

10:43am Catch Baby Girl as she crawls away. Put her trousers back on.

10:44am “BOYCHILD! WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS???”

10:46am Find BoyChild’s shoes. Try to negotiate whether he wears his Thomas sandals or his random single Bob the Builder slipper that I haven’t seen the pair of for months. Breastfeed BabyGirl while walking around.

10:50am Search for remaining Bob the Builder slipper amidst devastating tears of desperate disappointment. Put BabyGirl’s shoes on her. Sit her by the door. Answer phone. Politely try to cut phone conversation short – “Yes, I’m actually in a bit of a rush. Oh, ok, you are going to tell me about your son’s funny clever thing anyway?”

10:52am “PRINCESS! WHY ARE YOU NOT DRESSED YET? CAN YOU PLEASE GET DRESSED!”  Hang up phone.

10:53am “No, I am not being mean. We need to leave the house in five minutes. If you are not dressed then you will not be coming.”

10:54am “WHY ARE YOU IN BED? PLEASE GET UP AND GET DRESSED!”

10:55am “I’m sorry for yelling. How about you wear this dress? This is a pretty dress BOYCHILD WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS?!”

10:56am Dress Princess. In her Cinderella dress and rainbow sneakers. Because. Send her to sit in the car.

10:57am Dress BoyChild in one Bob the Builder slipper, one gumboot. Because. Put his pants on him and put him into the car.

10:58am Find BabyGirl. Put her into the car.

10:59am “Ew, Mum. He’s done a POOOOO”. Bring BoyChild back inside to change his nappy. And his trousers. Put him back into the car.

11:00am “Ew, Mum. She’s done a POOOOOOO”. Bring BabyGirl back inside to change her nappy. Put her back into the car. Dash back inside to get bag. Replenish snacks once more. Grab a gulp of the black coffee I made myself. Two hours ago. Spit it back out into the sink. Rush into the bathroom to clean my teeth and make my hair look presentable. Grab my handbag, wallet, phone, keys. Put on shoes. Quick once-over in the mirror. It’ll do. Grab a cardi to cover the stain on my shoulder. Don’t question what it might be. Lock up the house and head out to the car.

11:01am Run back inside to get Princess’s wallet. Back into the car.

11:03am Back out of the driveway. Not a bad effort, all things considered.

11:04am Go back up the driveway. Run inside and grab pram. Put it into the car.

11:05am Sit in car and do a quick mental “go over” of everything we need. Children? One, two, three, Check! Money? Well, wallet anyway, Check! Pram? Check!

11:06am And we are on our way. Only 6 minutes late today. Not a bad effort, all things considered.

Sigh.

How my mother ever managed with four children is completely beyond me. She truly is Wonder Woman.

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