These are sounds you know, as a parent, can never be a good thing.
1. A faint yet desperate cry out. This means your child is likely stuck in a cupboard (or, in our house’s case, a wardrobe that the kids keep forgetting cannot be opened from the inside).
2. A crash. Especially involving glass. There are few sounds that will send me running. This is one of them. Mirrors. Pictures off the wall. Windows. Glass ornaments. They all sound the same when smashed.
3. A solid thud. Nothing is worse than the clear sound of a child hitting the ground at force. Even worse is when it is not immediately followed up by a scream.
4. Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum. Mum. Mum. Mum. Mum. Mum. Mum. People tell my BabyGirl is adorable. Butter wouldn’t melt on her (ironic since she is allergic to dairy ha ha ha). But, to be quite honest, even the cutest poppet gets very annoying, very fast, when following me around repeating “mum”. Constantly. For hours.
5. “Uh-oh”. Followed by, “shhhhhhhhhh”. They think they are being sneaky. They forget we have eyes everywhere. That, and often the evidence is all over them.
6. *cough* *cough* *vomit*. No matter where you are, you run towards the kid. FAST. I’ve caught vomit in my hands before, true story. I’ve also pointed the child towards the floor and let the floor catch it. True story.
7. *cough* *cough* *vomit* – in the middle of the night. Six million times worse because you know you have a whole task force ahead of you. Clean child. Clean bedding. Clean bed. Change bedding. Change pjs. Comfort child. Sigh.
8. “Mum?”. In the middle of the night. You can guarantee you have been having the best dream ever. You are at a day spa. Eating magical calorie-free-yet-so-delicious chocolate. While Channing Tatum rubs your feet. And just as he leans in, and you know he is going to say the words every woman wants to hear – “Do you want some cheese with that chocolate?” – “MUM? I CANT SLEEP”. Or, just a simple wail. Sigh.
9. Any appliance clanking. Washing machine, dishwasher, car. No matter what, clanking always means $$$$$$$.
10. “Hello. 111 emergency. What is your emergency?”. This has happened only once in our house, *touch wood*. BoyChild was playing with my cellphone and I heard it ringing someone, followed by this answer. I dashed across the room so fast, grabbed the phone, said, “I’m-so-sorry-my-two-year-old-was-playing-with-my-phone-we-are-fine-ok-bye”, hung up, and waiting nervously for the police to come and arrest me for wasting emergency time. They didn’t.
11. A random toy singing. When no one is in the room. Mr T is convinced our ride-on zebra is possessed. I won’t lie, I’ve jumped out of my skin more than once when this happens.
12. “You are the worst Mum ever”. This hasn’t happened to me yet but it’s inevitable. It happened to a friend and I saw the pain in her eyes. I’m desperately sorry, Mum, if I EVER said it to you. I will cry when it’s said to me.
13. Screaming. Yelling. Blindly SQUEALING. I won’t lie, I have, on many occasions, yelled at my kids to PLEASE STOP YELLING. I know, the irony was not lost on me.
14. Nothing. The sound of silence. Because we know that can never be a good thing when you have a house full of young kids.
And, of course, there are the sounds we do love to hear.
The snoring when they are asleep.
“I love you”.
And so, so many more I couldn’t even begin to list them all!