They say there are only two certainties in life – death and taxes.
In parenting, there are two certainties – poop and smiles.
But, there are a heck of a lot of other things that you can guarantee will happen when you have kids. Almost always when you don’t want/need them to. Let’s call it, Mum’s Law.
1. When you need to be somewhere in a rush, your child will suddenly desperately need to poop. For 15 minutes. All the while giving a running commentary. “Whoa! That was a big poop. Oh! One more to go! One more to .. nope! Ha ha ha there’s more!”
2. You will need to sneeze just at the exact moment you have finally gotten your baby to sleep.
3. On the one chance you get in a year to sleep in uninterrupted, your children will keep you up until 3am with their tag-team game of waking up. Or they will ALL need full attention at 7am. Or both.
4. You will never get anyone knock on your door until the morning you have overslept, you haven’t showered, you have just had a porridge-fight with your child and you have a brown substance on your arm that you can’t guarantee isn’t poop.
5. Your kids will want to play with every toy imaginable, all at once, just minutes before an important person is due to arrive at your house.
6. Your kids will all wet the bed the night before you are due to go on a three week holiday (because, of course you won’t be there to do the laundry).
7. Your kids will ignore you for hours. Right up until you decide you need to poop.
8. Date night? At least one kid will get sick.
9. When you have the kids dressed in their Sunday best, they will eat chocolate.
But, of course, they aren’t all bad …
10. When you are having a horrible day, when all you want to do is crumble on the ground in tears, your child will come up, hug you and say, “Lub you mumma”
11. When you stand on a piece of lego and hop around the room like a mad woman, the kids will laugh. Laughter is infectious.
12. No matter how space you need from your kids, you will miss them more than you could ever imagine, when they aren’t there.
Because those time-sucking, poop-smelling, tickle-giggling little rascals are part of you. And that’s a certainty!